The Dance of Anger
Summary (Short Version)
If our old familiar ways of managing anger are not working for us, chances are that we fall into one or both of the following categories: In the "nice-lady" category, we attempt to avoid anger and conflict at all costs. In the "bitch" category, we get angry with ease, but we participate in ineffective fighting, complaining and blaming that leads to no constructive resolution. These two styles of managing anger may appear to be as different as night and day. In reality, they both serve equally well to protect others, to blur our clarity, and to ensure that change does not occur.
The more we intensify our repressive efforts, the more we unconsciously fear a volcanic eruption should we begin to let our anger out. When we "blow" it may be at inappropriate times over petty issues. Other people may write us off as neurotic, while the real issues go unaddressed, and the cycle begins again.
The negative words and images that depict women who do speak out are more than just cruel sexist stereotypes; they also hint at a painful reality. Words like "nagging", "complaining", and "bitching" are words of helplessness and powerlessness, which reflect the "stuck" position. ... When we vent our anger ineffectively, we can easily get locked into a self-perpetuating downward cycle of behavior. We do have something to be angry about, but our complaints are not clearly voiced and we may elicit other people's disapproval instead of their sympathy. This only increases our sense of bitterness and injustice.
Those of us who fight ineffectively are usually caught up in unsuccessful efforts to change a person who does not want to change. When our attempts to change the other person's beliefs, feelings, reactions or behaviours do not work, we may then continue to do more of the same, reacting in predictable, patterned ways that only escalate the very problems we complain about. ... By engaging in a battle that she could only lose, she failed to exercise the power that she really did have - the power to take charge of her own self.
Close relationships are akin to circular dances, in which the behaviour of each partner provokes and maintains the behaviour of the other. ... We cannot make another person change his or her steps to an old dance, but if we change our own steps, the dance no longer can continue in the same predictable pattern.
If we begin to change our old patterns of silence or vagueness or ineffective fighting and blaming, we will inevitably meet with a strong resistance or countermove. ... How tempting it may be to shuffle apologetically back to our "proper place" in order to regain the approval of others. ... There are few things more anxiety-arousing than shifting to a higher level of self-assertion and separateness in an important relationship and maintaining this position despite the countermoves of the other person. ... Her marriage, at least for a while, will likely be rougher than ever. Underlying issues and conflicts will begin to surface.